In 2012, Joe Gerstandt and I published Social Gravity: Harnessing the Natural Laws of Relationships. In it, we shared six “laws” for building meaningful relationships. The one that always got the strongest reaction was: Always be authentic.

We argued that authenticity is like a superpower. People are drawn to those who seem fully comfortable in their own skin. We admire people who show up unapologetically as themselves, even when that makes others uncomfortable.

But here’s the catch: authenticity is not about doing or saying whatever you want. That’s not authenticity, that’s just being an a-hole. Unfortunately, as the word has become more common, its meaning has been watered down and hijacked.

Today, some even argue that authenticity is overrated. A new book coming out next month is literally titled Don’t Be Yourself: Why Authenticity Is Overrated (and What to Do Instead). The author claims our fixation on “true selves” undermines individual and organizational success.

They’re partly right—but not about authenticity itself. The problem is how people misunderstand it.

---

Authenticity in Action: The Suit Story

Early in my speaking career, I wore a suit on stage every single time. Big audience, small audience, it didn’t matter. Always a suit.

Here’s the truth: I hated wearing suits. They felt corporate and rigid, and my message was anything but. I’m a jeans-and-t-shirt kind of guy, and that’s how you’d meet me anywhere off stage.

Some would argue that I was being inauthentic. But they’d be wrong.

At that time, audiences expected speakers to dress formally. If I’d shown up in jeans, I would have created a credibility gap before I ever opened my mouth. And my goal was always to maximize impact. Wearing the suit was an intentional choice, aligned with who I was and what I aspired to do as a speaker.

That’s what authenticity looks like. It isn’t about indulging every whim. It’s about making intentional trade-offs in service of your values and goals.

---

What Authenticity Really Means

Authenticity isn’t a badge you earn once and keep forever. It’s a process. Who you are—and who you aspire to be—changes with time and context.

Authenticity isn’t:

• A license to say whatever you want without consequence.
• An excuse to be a jerk because “that’s just who I am.”
• A fixed “true self” you must express at all times.

Authenticity is alignment. It’s showing up in a way that feels consistent with your values, intentions, and aspirations, even if that sometimes means trade-offs.

---

The Four Steps of Authenticity

Through years of working with this idea, Joe and I came to see authenticity as an ongoing cycle. It doesn’t have an end point. You don’t “arrive” and stay there. You do the work, again and again, as you learn, grow, and face new circumstances.

Here are the four steps.

1. Self-Awareness

You can’t be authentic if you don’t know yourself. That means understanding your strengths, weaknesses, blind spots, and most importantly, your values.

The challenge is that we aren’t very good at seeing ourselves clearly. Most of us overestimate our strengths, minimize our weaknesses, and carry blind spots that others can see clearly even when we cannot. This is why true self-awareness requires feedback from outside sources—assessments, 360 processes, or simply asking people you trust.

Self-awareness also requires internal work. Taking the time to clarify your personal values and aspirations is essential. Without this, it’s easy to drift.

For example, here are my core values:

• Connection: Fostering deep, authentic relationships with others; expressing care and love for others. 
• Discovery: Exploring to find and create new things
• Health: Investing in the strength of mind and body; protecting my energy. 
• Integrity: Alignment between what you say, what you do, and who you are
• Impact: Making a difference through what I do; leaving people better than I found them.

These values act as a compass. When I feel off course, it’s almost always because I’ve drifted away from one of them.

Authenticity begins here, with knowing what matters to you and how others experience you.

2. Self-Acceptance

Perhaps the hardest part of the authenticity journey is coming to terms with what your self-awareness reveals. That’s because, if you’re doing the work right, you’ll uncover things you like and things you don’t.

It’s easy to accept the flattering discoveries. If you learn that people value your energy or admire your creativity, that feels good. No problem there.

The challenge comes when you discover something that cuts against how you see yourself.

In my twenties, I asked friends to give me feedback about how I showed up in our relationships. One friend told me I wasn’t a very good listener. That hurt. If you’d asked me at the time, I would have said that listening was one of my strengths. I worked in sales, and listening was supposed to be my job. But with my friends, I wasn’t showing up that way.

That’s the crossroads of self-acceptance. When you face something uncomfortable, you have three options:

1. Embrace it. Accept that this is part of who you are and learn to live with it.
2. Ignore it. Deny or dismiss it, and live with the consequences.
3. Choose to change. Do the work to bring yourself back into alignment with who you want to be.

With the listening feedback, I chose change. Relationships are a core value for me, and being a poor listener was out of alignment with that. So I invested in learning how to listen better.

Not every discovery requires change. For example, every personality assessment I’ve ever taken shows that I have very low patience. That can be frustrating for people around me, but it also fuels my sense of urgency and helps me move things forward. So I embraced it. I know impatience has a downside, so I watch for the moments where it could undermine my intentions, like in parenting. But I don’t fight it; I manage it.

That’s what self-acceptance really is. It’s about facing what you find and making intentional choices about it. Ignoring it is also a choice, but usually one that comes with hidden costs. Authenticity requires you to own those choices, not hide from them.

3. Integrity

Integrity is where authenticity gets real. It’s aligning how you show up with who you are and who you aspire to be.

Sometimes integrity looks like flying your freak flag—taking up space and sharing what makes you unique. But integrity also involves compromise. We live in communities and workplaces where our choices affect others.

Years ago, I took an executive role at a company where I was a cultural misfit. I knew it going in. The dress code, the culture, the industry—it wasn’t me. But I took the job intentionally. It gave me experience I needed, and it allowed me to stay rooted where my family was.

Over time, the trade-offs wore me down. It took so much effort to fit in that it became unsustainable. Eventually, I left. That too was integrity—recognizing when the cost of staying outweighed the benefit.

Integrity in authenticity is showing up with intention. You choose the version of yourself you share, and you do it in alignment with your values and aspirations.

4. Growth

Finally, authenticity requires growth. Who you are evolves, and what it means to be authentic evolves with it.

For years, I said I wasn’t a runner. I even joked about it. Then my wife signed up for a half-marathon. Watching her train made me question my own story. I started running small distances at the gym. A few laps turned into a few miles. Eventually, I ran my first half-marathon. Now running is a part of my life.

Growth means testing the stories you believe about yourself. It means trying things that push you out of your comfort zone. Sometimes you’ll surprise yourself. When you do, that new learning feeds back into self-awareness, and the cycle continues.

---

The Lifelong Work

Authenticity is not a destination. It’s a cycle of awareness, acceptance, integrity, and growth.

When you do the work, you show up consistently, even in hard times. You make choices that align with your values. You build trust and credibility.

And here’s the payoff: authenticity draws people to you. It frees you to stop performing and start contributing. It liberates you to make your full, unique impact on the world.

Dismiss authenticity if you want. Just know that what most people are dismissing isn’t the real thing. Authenticity done right is still one of the most powerful forces we have.

***

If you are not subscribed to my email list and would like to receive great content like this delivered straight to your inbox each week, click here to subscribe.