Recently, my teenage daughter got hit with some feedback she didn’t love. It was the kind of feedback that holds up a mirror and reflects back something you didn’t intend— and probably didn’t want to see.
Her response? First, hurt. Then defensiveness. And finally, full-blown defiance.
The hard truth she’s facing is this: the feedback pointed to something standing between her and what she wants. Now she has a decision to take the feedback seriously or stay stuck behind that barrier.
Sound familiar? Yeah, I’ve been there too.
How to Handle Feedback You Didn’t See Coming
When you get that kind of feedback—and you will—you’ve got choices.
Start here: Say “thank you.” Nothing more.
It’s harder than it sounds, but it matters.
Why?
1. Feedback is a gift
It makes the invisible, visible.
Years ago, during a talent review process, my boss handed me what I now call my YOU SUCK List. It was a roundup of critical feedback from her and a few senior leaders about what I’d need to change to be considered for a promotion.
It felt brutal. Like a list of all the ways I was failing—compiled by the very people who had a say in my future.
But that list changed my career.
What felt like criticism was actually a roadmap. These were real barriers—just ones I couldn’t see on my own. Once I could see them, I could address them.
2. Your first reaction is usually wrong
Our brains are wired to protect us, so when we feel attacked (even by feedback), we defend, we deflect. We shut down.
When I got that list, I didn’t say thank you. I got angry and defiant. It took me weeks to even look at the feedback again, and even longer to put it to use.
Saying “thank you for sharing that” created just enough space between your reaction and your response. It buys you time to get curious instead of combative.
Feedback Creates Choices
Early in my career, I went to a training session on receiving feedback. One thing they said changed everything for me:
Feedback is just information. What you do with it is up to you.
Here are the three choices you can make when you get unexpected or uncomfortable feedback:
1. Ignore it
Yes, really. You can hear feedback, thank the person, and then decide not to act on it.
But, there’s a catch. If the feedback is pointing out something that’s getting in your way, ignoring it won’t help you move forward.
Still, knowing you have this option makes feedback less threatening.
2. Investigate it
Feedback from others is always filtered through their lens. Research shows that over 50% of our evaluations of others reflect more about the evaluator than the evaluated.
So take it seriously—but not personally.
Check with trusted colleagues. Ask:
- Have you seen this behavior from me?
- Does this resonate with your experience of me?
- What do you think I could do differently?
By gathering a few perspectives, you can get a clearer, more complete picture.
3. Embrace it
Remember when we were in school and the teacher corrected our work? That feedback wasn’t personal—it was meant to help us learn.
The same is true now.
Feedback helps us:
- Spot what’s not working
- See what we’re missing
- Adjust how we show up
It’s a powerful tool—if you’re willing to act on it.
Whether it’s a YOU SUCK List or an offhand comment from a colleague, feedback is always a chance to grow. But only if we choose to see it that way.
What feedback have you been avoiding lately? Maybe it’s time to look again.
***
If you are not subscribed to my email list and would like to receive great content like this delivered straight to your inbox each week, click here to subscribe.